an "enlightened" state of confusion? please?

I had a great day today, spent with my dear friend Belinda from Sheil. What started out as just lunch ended up in driving to the mall to find my elusive black cargoish/durable pants followed by catching 5pm mass (as I chose to sleep in this morning) at St. Athanasius. When I finally got home, my day off was half over and I wasn't even to sad about it! As my friends and family know, I often need some "alone" time to unwind and destress but I did pretty well today having to socialize. You know, that sounds really sad (having to get away from people) but it really does describe how I function. I have to take time off from people or I'll start yelling at them or being overly sarcastic. I guess I should work on that.

When I logged on today to update, I realized how appropriate the title of my blog has become. I actually stole it from my Governor's school drama teacher, Marc, who stole it from somebody famous I think. We were supposed to have it written on our GSW shirts but the director of GSW decided "confusion" was too negative for this state-run camp for the academically gifted and therefore the drama major who designed our shirts had to change it to "in search of an enlightened state of being." Personally, I think the two words are pretty synonymous in many cases and it really wouldn't have mattered if we had "confusion" on our shirts.

Because I'm realizing, slowly, that life or my "state of being" is a constant search for clarity among confusion. Maybe that's the depression talking but I don't think that's really affecting me right now. What is affecting me is the seemingly random events in my life, the friends I make, the people I encounter, which all seem like scattered dots on a plane (as in one of those line graphs from geometry) but eventually form some sort of order or pattern. That's the confusion and the "enlightened state of confusion" is when all those little scattered dots seem to make even a little sense (aren't you proud of your semi-mathematical daughter, Mom?). Sometimes they only make sense for an instance and then the mind somehow manages to forget it but at least for a moment you know that everything makes sense. I'm sure there is some great philosophical school of thought about how there is no such thing as randomness but I really don't want to get into that. As all things on the blog are, it's just an observation of my life. The events of a few nights ago seemed really random but now I see the "ripple effect" in my mind of how that creep on the El platform indirectly influenced (in a good way) future choices. It's all about seeing through the confusion. It's pretty frustrating a lot of the time, and as the other night proved, slightly scary at other times. But oh well, that's life and there will always be "confusion" and such for us to encounter with every step we take into clarity. Makes life hard but hey, that is where evolution has taken us.

I've had a very thoughtful day off (after 7 hours in spacing rehearsal at Cahn with no AC yesterday) and look forward to those long hours in tech tomorrow where I don't have to do a damn thing. I love the show and I'm actually looking forward to starting tech. That's how you know, apparently, that you will make an okay SM.

Goodnight, y'all, and I hope to write more soon despite tech week starting.