scared, relieved, and exhausted

I think my day can officially qualify as bad. I'm not even going to get into everything which made today awful because it was the "icing on the bad day cake" tonight which still has me a little shaky and I'm going to ask you for some "help."

As many of you know, I have been riding the El back and forth to rehearsals in Chicago (but the north side at least) for the past month or so (five weeks to be exact). Getting there is always fine because it's rush hour and daylight. But at night I catch the El at a "sketchy" stop but I've always felt safe because I walk there with a friend and there are always a lot of "normal" looking people waiting there as well. Once I get to Evanston, it's a piece of cake. I really have never felt scared riding the El at night alone until last night. And then tonight happened as well.

I hestitated about writing about this on my blog because I don't want my family (or friends for that matter) to worry about my safety because I do take a lot of precautions and I will be safe. But I need to talk about what happened because it has affected my "world view" a little. BUT I AM OKAY so don't worry about me. I only have one more rehearsal out of Evanston to go to and my friend (the SM) will be driving me to the safer El stop near her apartment. So you can only read on if you promise not to get excessively worried or call me and lecture me for doing this alone (sorry, but I have no other choice...)

So last night I was sitting at Wilson waiting for my train to arrive when two guys (I didn't even really look at them) came up the stairs yelling about something. They sat on the bench behind me facing the opposite direction so I could hear everything. One of them was extremely upset, talking about some girl who had been "treachorous" and "deceitful" and he was saying how he would "beat the ass" of any girl who tried to trick him again etc etc. Most of the other stuff he said I will not repeat. I was petrified because at one point, one of them asked me for the time, I gave it to him, and it was apparently different from what the angry guy had and he started going on about "that's what I'm talking about! Women *****" They didn't come back over to my side or anything but I was scared to move for about 10 minutes (my train was about half an hour late. Again). The scariest part was when he said something about "killing that ******** if she tried to pull anything like that again" and I just started praying. I eventually felt like they had forgotten about me and I got up and went to stand next to the nice old lady down the platform.

That was last night and that was bad enough. But I let it roll off me since I have had okay experiences every other time. But tonight happened and I am relieved I won't ever have to wait at the Wilson stop again. Amanda and I were discussing tech week issues and the meetings we are having tomorrow when a strange man came and tapped me on the shoulder and sat down next to me. I immediately turned around and said "Excuse me, don't touch me, " to which he replied with something to the affect of "why not?" Me: "Because I don't know you at all and I don't want you touching me." He then got all defensive and said he sat down next to me so he could get to know me. I told him I didn't have time to talk to him because he interrupted my conversation and I didn't want to talk to him.

A normal person would have stood up and walked away but there was something seriously wrong with this man. Amanda and I ignored him for awhile but he kept interrupting and trying to find out things about me like where I went to school, where I work, and my name. I of course didn't tell him anything and made it clear I wanted him to go away. After about the thrid time he butted in, Amanda called my phone discreetly, hoping that if I started up a cell phone conversation he would go away. No luck. Right before the train came was the scariest though. He said he just wanted to have a "mutual relationship" with me and when I said I wasn't interested in ever seeing him again he replied with "well, it doesn't really matter what I want because I am going to see you in the near future, I just feel it" If Amanda's train and my train hadn't come at that point, simulataneously, she would have grabbed me and we would have gone to find the nearest CTA worker or cop. But the trains came and somehow we managed to make him think we were going North but then both got on the South train and watched him go the opposite way as we got on. I rode down to Amanda's stop and she waited with me until my north bound train came. We talked a lot about how freaky that man was which helped but I was still in my "strong" mode and I didn't break down until I got on the El and got ahold of my sister.

I guess one of the reasons I decided to put this on my blog is as a cautionary tale because I have certainly learned my lesson. I felt safe for over 4 weeks doing this same routine every night after rehearsal. But I think that gave me a false sense of security and I hope that by sharing this experience, I make it clear to my friends etc that that security sometimes is false. I had procrastinated on getting any pepper spray or taking a self-defense class because I thought nothing would happen to me. But two nights in a row I had close calls. I really am planning on taking some self defense classes now, perhaps some kind of martial arts, I have to do some research to see what is offered around here. I think that if I had screamed, someone would have come to help Amanda and me but it would be nice to know that I had more defense than just wordplay, lies, and improvisation.

On Monday I went to the library and picked up a great book called "Drama as Therapy and Theater as Living," a intro-type text to dramatherapy. For the last few days I've been exploring this new career possibility, reading about how theater can help the abused, mentally ill, and incarcerated. And I've been thinking a lot about helping people, in particular those people in rehab or in prison. But then after tonight, it is hard for me to remember why I have so much faith in people being able to change for the better. I was so upset after the incident tonight more for the faith and innocence I lost, not event itself. Why do I want to help people when people are so screwed up and are just waiting to take advantage of anyone with a nice smile.

I smile at the homeless people in Evanston and my friend Dennis, who is homeless but very sweet (I've known him for almost 2 years now) always thanks me just for smiling. But right now I have this doubt about what the point of smiling is when that smile can be reinterpreted as an invitation. It's a blow to my optimism and my faith in humanity. I promise not to lose all of that just because of a jerk on the El, I just need a little reminding of why I want to help people, especially those who may not even want help yet. So that is the "help" I mentioned needing above. Remind me why I love service work and why I don't want to go live in a secluded cabin the mountains for the rest of my life with just my cats for company.

I think that's all I have to say for tonight. Again, please don't worry about me. I'm upset, yes, but not physically hurt.

Just so you all know, I did try to post the other day. But then it disappeared cause I hit something wrong. I will hopefully have energy to post more this weekend during my time off. I really want to discuss what I'm learning about drama therapy because it's quite intriguing. Jacob, you in particular would be interested in some of this book I'm reading because I have already encountered numerous names which relate back to our social justice reading. Boal of course, Artaud, Innes ( I really remember reading Innes...) and more. SO interesting. I can't wait to read more. I'm into the history of the development of dramatherapy now.

Okay, I could write forever but I need sleep too. But writing is calming and I needed that.

Goodnight.